Obedience

Obedience - Define obedience. What motivates you to obey your Dom/Master?

Merriam-Webster Online defines “obedience" as:

1. a : an act or instance of obeying

          b : the quality or state of being obedient

2. : a sphere of jurisdiction; especially : an ecclesiastical or sometimes secular dominion

It also defines “obey” as:

1. : to follow the commands or guidance of
2. : to conform to or comply with <obey an order> <falling objects obey the laws of physics>

In this lifestyle, whether submissive or slave, obedience is an important skill to have.

Yes, I called obedience a skill. The reason for that is because it is something we must learn. Obedience is not something that comes naturally. In a very real sense, it is the evidence of true submission. There are times when, no matter how much we may desire to obey, there are simply issues that may prevent us from being able to do so.

The issues are as numerous and as varied as those person's whom live this lifestyle, but it boils down to either psychological and physical issues.

Physical is fairly simple to explain, and much easier to work around. It simply means that there is a physical reason that prevents us from obeying a particular command. A person might be temporarily sick (i.e. has the flu), or have some sort of physical (i.e. broken arm) or medical (i.e. Fibromyalgia) ailment that limits our capabilities whether temporarily or permanently.

Psychological is not quite as simple. Perhaps there are trust issues. Perhaps the task at hand triggers memories of past abuses. Perhaps we simply do not “FEEL” like obeying on a particular day. Perhaps there are other hidden issues that have yet to be explored or confronted.

Whatever the psychological issue, learning obedience is always a bit of a “work in progress.” It does become easier with time and with practice, but there are still times when it's a struggle.

That said... for me obedience is quite often a serious struggle. I'm not talking as much about the sexual side of this lifestyle, as I am the 24/7 aspect, outside of the bedroom.

In the bedroom, obedience is less of an option. If I choose to not obey, Sir will simply make me obey and it also makes the time in the bedroom much more enjoyable for me to be forcibly made to obey. It is among my greatest turn-ons to be physically restrained and/or otherwise forced to do something that I otherwise do not wish to do.

Obedience outside of the bedroom is far more difficult. It is not that I do not desire to obey, I do... it's that I am lazy. Yes, I have a serious character flaw... I am L-A-Z-Y.

I know this to be true. It is something I have dealt with my entire life and it is NOT something that is easily overcome. This is something in which I need consistent help from Sir to overcome.

When the task at hand is something that I deem unpleasant, I need Him to be firm with me. I need Him to set clear, consistent goals for me to accomplish and clear and consistent consequences when those goals have not been accomplished without acceptable justification.

For me, the ability to be able to look back at an accomplishment, no matter how good that may feel, is simply not a strong enough motivation to be consistently obedient. It is however a nice bonus!

A greater motivation is knowing that my accomplishment will be pleasing to Sir.

To have Sir come home in the evenings and look around to see that the house has been cleaned or laundry completed or to know that I have made certain that our bills have been paid and kept up to date, or whatever the particular task may have been on that particular day, and to hear His acknowledgment of it and to know that He is pleased that I did as he asked or expected of me, THAT is what truly motivates me.

My willingness to do as He has asked of me, makes Him feel loved and respected by myself and our children. To be able to make Him feel that way is perhaps my strongest motivational factor of all.

Communication

JOURNAL TOPIC: In what ways do you communicate with your Sir/Master, your needs and emotions?

There are so many different forms of communication both verbal and non-verbal and sometimes we may think that we are communicating one thing, and yet the person we are communicating with will often glean a different message entirely.

Sir and I used to have such difficulty with this issue that we very nearly ended our marriage because of it. I learned several years ago that men and women often speak two very different languages. Not different like English and Japanese, but rather emotional languages.

You've probably seen the “He says : She hears... She says : He hears” jokes, and we all tend to laugh about them, but the simple fact is... in many cases they are so very true. So how do we learn to communicate with our partners in a way that is clear and unmistakable when it is most important.

First we need to understand the differences in the way we think and the way we feel things. Men and women are very different creatures. So often I hear women say things like, “I'm no different, no less capable of doing ________, (Fill in the blank) just because I don't have a penis.”

Yet, the truth is, we are different, and the things we are capable of doing are different, and yes it is because we don't have a penis. Well, more specifically, it's because our bodies are very different biologically, and they are different for a very good reason. Our bodies are meant to do very different things. Our hormones cause us to feel our emotions differently, and our emotions cause us to think very differently.

It has nothing to do with egotistical or misogynistic reasoning. It has to do with the way we were created, the biological differences between men and women. (I am a Christian, so yes I do speak in terms of creator and created... but there is scientific data to confirm the basic point I am trying to make here.) And keep in mind I am also speaking in very general terms. I am fully aware that not all men and women fit 100% within a specific biological mold, but most do fit within a general or basic mold. And again, it has to do with biology.

First and most obvious, hormones.

In a nutshell: Male hormones men to have deeper voices, facial and body (including pubic) hair to grow, muscles to grow and develop differently and sex organs to mature. Female hormones cause the hips to widen, breasts to develop, pubic hair to grow and the sex organs to mature. 

 

Male hormones cause men to be capable of fertilizing a woman's eggs in order to produce offspring, whereas female hormones cause a woman to be capable of creating and sustaining said offspring within her body.

Whether you are Christian or not, it is a biological fact that males are designed to be “intimidating” and “hunters” and “protectors” where as women are designed to be “inviting” and “caretakers” and “nurturers”. As such, the way we think, the way we reason, the way we experience and express our emotions are very different. So it stands to reason that the way we communicate will also tend to be very different.

All that in mind, I learned a long time ago that Sir tends to be much more logical and reserved in the way he thinks and communicates than I do. I am incredibly emotional. He makes decisions based upon practicality and rationality, whereas, I tend to make decisions based upon feelings and instinct.

Therefore, we have had to teach each other how to think and connect with how we each are hardwired inside. We've had to learn how to translate our own thoughts and emotions into actions and verbal terms that present a clearer picture for each other to understand based upon our own biological differences.

I can't just tell Sir that I'm stressed out and need some time to deflate, because to Him, that means just what it sounds like. I need personal alone time to clear my thoughts.

When what I mean, in actuality is that maybe I need to vent. I need to just verbally puke out the events of my day so that they are no longer jumbled up inside of me. I'm not asking Him to come up with some sort of workable solution to fix thing or make things better in some way. I'm only asking Him to be a sounding board. To acknowledge the validity of what I'm feeling without judging me or telling me how to fix it. I just want... need... to be heard. Nothing more.

OR maybe it means that I need for Him to break out the flogger and use it on me so that my BODY can release the stress in a more physical way so that I can feel more relaxed and be available and attentive to Him and our children.

But, if I don't communicate the logic of my emotions in a way that He can understand, then we end up angry and resenting each other because I feel ignored and set aside and he feels helpless to protect me from whatever it is that has caused me to become stressed by figuring out a solution to fix it.

He cannot just come home and throw His keys across the room and not speak for an hour or so because someone said or did something at work that angered Him, because I sense and see His anger and silence and feel it directed at me. He needs to at least assuage my emotional concerns by assuring me that He is not upset or angry at me or one of our children for some unknown reason, but rather that he just needs some quiet time to calm down, because so and so at work was a major asshole and pulled a seriously jackass stunt that caused Him to get behind on completing His own tasks and therefore ended up stuck at work an hour or two longer than He should have been, because He had to fix the jackasses screw up.

Communication takes a lot of effort, but when two people put forth that effort, continually, and get it right, the result is a bond and a depth of understanding, trust, and intimacy that is solid and unbreakable.

What is my Fetish?

JOURNAL TOPIC: If you had to condense and define what it is that draws you into this lifestyle down to a single fetish, what would it be and why?


I have spent some time recently trying to figure out precisely how I would define my sexual desires, or needs. In other words, exactly what is it that excites me...
There are so many things that I enjoy doing, or having done to me, so many things that thrill me. 
 
Bondage, knife play, needle play, spanking, flogging, whips, canes, humiliation, exhibition, voyeurism, blindfolds, gags, fear, pain, I could go on and on.

I can't really consider any of them to be fetishes. 
 
A Fetish is defined as:

Formally: a non-sexual object whose presence is REQUIRED for sexual arousal or climax;

Informally: anything not generally considered sexual, which arouses a person.

None of those things, in and of themselves are REQUIRED for me to become sexually aroused or to bring me to climax. They are nothing more than tools used to support or compliment my actual underlying fetish.

Being submissive, also can not be considered my fetish either...

Keeping in mind that a fetish, by definition, is ALWAYS connected to the sexual nature, it is then logical to conclude that simply being submissive in everyday life is not necessarily to be considered a fetish, unless the act of being submissive, in and of itself, is absolutely required for a person to be capable of achieving sexual arousal and/or climax.

In general, however, being submissive speaks more to a person's character or personal nature, that which defines who he or she is as a person, rather than to their more primitive sexual nature. 
 
I have a submissive personality, which expresses itself not only in sexual ways, but also in many non-sexual ways, and therefore, while it is undoubtedly connected to my sexual nature, it is not synonymous with it, thus submissiveness in and of itself, is not my fetish.

So, therein lies the question... WHAT IS MY FETISH?

When you look at the numerous different things listed above that excite me two things stand out more than the others. Two of those words, when I see them, say them, or hear them, create within me, a consuming need.

Bondage, and Humiliation.

Just the thought of experiencing either of these two things, whether individually, or Heaven help me, BOTH at the same time, sends waves of emotion and excitement rippling through me.

So what do these two things say about my sexual nature, and how do they work to help me to define my fetish?

Humiliation leaves me feeling vulnerable and helpless. It incites within me a desire to run and/or hide.

Bondage, removes from me whatever ability I might otherwise have to control or have a direct effect upon what is happening around me, or to me. It intensifies those feelings of vulnerability and helplessness, because it completely prevents me from being able to run or hide to begin with, and forces me to fully experience that vulnerability, and embrace it. Bondage forces me to accept that I have no choice, but to accept it and allow it to envelope me, to consume me, and it is in being consumed by it that I am able to freely give myself over to it.

Ultimately, my fetish is the experience of vulnerability that comes from the forced removal of choice or control.

Switching Roles?

JOURNAL TOPIC: Have you ever thought about switching roles? If so, what would you like to try doing or having done to you?



I'm sitting here attempting to imagine myself as a Domme or Mistress, and try as I may, it is simply not something that I can easily visualize. I know that I have dominant traits. I know that I am a bit of a control freak. I know that I am one whom has been described as having an intimidating personality at times. And yet, even knowing all of this to be true, I still cannot envision myself living a lifestyle, being Dominant over another person. I am submissive, I am most happy and content when I am serving other people. That is just whom and what I was meant to be.


This topic was Sir's idea. It's a difficult one for me to tackle because for the most part switching doesn't really interest me very much. I really have no desire to be dominant over Sir, though occasionally topping Him during play time can be enjoyable, when I am feeling more sensual, rather than “rough and ready”. But it would be strictly bedroom play, I absolutely could never be dominant over Him outside of the bedroom.


He enjoys switching roles in the bedroom, but He tends to be much more of a sensual person, and enjoys the more light to moderate type of play, such as tickling and teasing, He really enjoys a soft massaging touch when bottoming.


It is difficult sometimes for me to be the sensual top He wants me to be. I am excited and turned on by unnecessary roughness, to put it nicely. The thought of CBT (cock & ball torture) is something that really thrills and excites me, but it's something I could never do with Sir. Even the mere thought of causing Him pain or discomfort twists me up in knots and leaves me feeling rather ill. Perhaps that is because I know it's not something He enjoys, or perhaps it's because I prefer to see Him as Strong and Dominating, over me. But regardless of the reasoning behind it... I simply could never do that with Him.

I suppose if I were to meet the right person, I could switch from submissive/masochist to top/sadist. But it would have to be a man that actually enjoys receiving some serious CBT.


As far as other women... I've never really given it much thought. I am simply NOT a dominant type personality over all, but I do have some rather strong sadistic tendencies (being a masochist, I honestly believe that that is somewhat necessary) and I can think of numerous ways I could put those tendencies to work. But then again, I could easily serve as a play bottom to just about anyone, male or female, so long as either Sir or I trusted them.

Goals for the New Year

January 11, 2011
Journal Prompt:
List 5 goals would you like to accomplish within your relationship dynamic this year.
My Husband and I entered this lifestyle 4 years ago with no clear ideas or plans as to where we wanted to go with it.The only knowledge we had of it was from the information I had gleaned online over a period of 4-5 days while Hubby was working, driving OTR.

All I knew for certain was that I had discovered a part of myself that I had worked hard to deny and hide from my entire life, and that I could not hide from that part of myself any longer, and that the first step I needed to take to stop hiding was to share that part of me with my Husband. It was one of the most frightening things I ever had to do. I was terrified that I would scare Him away.
The only real goal I had then, was to explore as as much as was possible and try as many new things as we could. My Husband, however, had a very different idea. He wanted to take things as slowly as possible.
He had discovered that there was something that excited me and had awakened my sexual nature in a way that he had never seen before, and he was afraid that if we moved too quickly, that I would burn myself out on it, and we would end up right back where we had been for most of our marriage.
It was incredibly frustrating at times, but Hubby had been right. By taking things slowly, I learned so much more about myself and about what sorts of things I really enjoyed and what sort of things were far different than I had imagined.
After nearly 3½ years of exploring, I knew, without a doubt that this lifestyle was what I truly wanted, what I needed to feel like the person I was meant to be. I could say with confidence that I could never go back to living the vanilla life that I had trapped myself in for so much of my life.
I knew that I needed us to take things to the next level in this lifestyle. Up to that point, we had only lived it in the bedroom. We had only played the game of bedroom fun.
Then 9 months ago, I asked my Husband if we could begin taking steps to move our dynamic outside of the bedroom. He was unsure at first, but I told Him that I really felt as though it was something I needed to do. He agreed, but decided that we would again, begin slowly, test the waters if you will, make certain that it would be something that would work well for both of us.
But in all of the past 4 years there has been no really clear goals aside from simple exploration, testing and learning our limits.
Therefore, I have never really taken the time to really sit down and think about setting real, solid goals for myself within this lifestyle, within our dynamic, within my role as a lifestyle submissive wife.
So now, the challenge for myself, is to really think about and consider what I really want, what I really NEED from living this lifestyle 24/7.
I think my overall goal to to eventually have an M/s dynamic, but I don't see that happening right away.
I think for now... for this year:

• I need to work on being less bratty, though that will never completely go away, as that is also part of who I am... and it keeps things interesting at times, but there are times when I could probably control it better.
  
• I would like to learn to control my physical responses better. There are times when my body automatically responds to the mere thought of certain “unfavorable” types of touch or stimulation. I have a tendency to block Hubby sometimes, and try as I may, I find it difficult to control those responses, or should I say reflexes.
  
• I want to be able to figure out a workable routine this year, as well. Something that will help me to keep our home decent and somewhat organized. I am not the most organized person when it comes to our home and so, there are times when I feel overwhelmed, so really my goal would be to keep things better organized and caught up, so as to avoid becoming so overwhelmed.
  
• I want to work on being even more aware of Hubby and attentive to Him when he's at home, and I would like to be more anticipatory (is that a word?) of His needs.
  
• I also want to work on, not only keeping our finances straight and bills paid on time, but this year I really want to be able to begin putting some money away into savings.... AND LEAVING IT THERE.
  

Discretion around Family

Journal Prompt:

Dealing with Family - How do you maintain your dynamic when you are around family members whom are unaware of your lifestyle? 

For example, if you are expected to ask permission to do certain things, how would you seek that permission without being obvious about it?

No one in either Hubby's or my family know anything about our lifestyle, so it's important for us to be as discreet as possible.

Most of the time, it's as simple as merely being respectful toward each other and not arguing with Him or correcting statements or details of stories that He's telling. Showing Him a little extra consideration, like asking Him if He would like something to eat or drink if I'm up and getting something something for myself.

times it takes a bit more thought. For example, I am trying to stop smoking, and am required to ask permission to have a cigarette.

When we are around family, there are numerous ways I will seek his permission so that people don't catch on to any particular pattern of behavior. I sometimes will play with my cigarette case or tap on it and wait for Him to make eye contact and lightly nod His head.

Sometimes I'll text Him to ask, then wait a few minutes so no one makes a connection between a text and me lighting up. I will also occasionally mention that I'm thinking about stepping outside for a smoke and ask Hubby if He would like to join me, at which point He'll either join me or tell me to go ahead without Him.

It took some getting used to at first, but it's pretty much become second nature to us now... It has definitely caused us to become much more in tune with each other and we pay a lot more attention to each other now.

Sister sub?

Prompt: How would you feel if your Dom/Master had another sub/slave? Would you be jealous? How would you handle it? Has it ever happened or been considered? 

This is something we have discussed and tried, briefly, in the past. It didn't work out, but it had nothing to do with jealousy on my part. My "sister sub" had a few life circumstances that she needed to work through, that had nothing to do with us. 

There was no animosity between she and I, whatsoever, in fact, we still talk at times. However, they didn't remain in their dynamic for very long, so I cannot say for certain if I would eventually have developed feelings of jealousy or not.


I have no doubt that the probability exists,that I might have experienced brief moments of jealousy, had their dynamic have become something more permanent, and I would like to believe, and am quite certain, that I would feel secure enough in our marriage to recognize my momentary feelings as irrational and trust in my Husband's love for me and for our family, regardless. Plus, she is also married and thus, her dynamic with Hubby was also HER secondary or "beta" relationship.


Their dynamic was opposite of ours in that she was not in the slightest masochistic, but instead, her preferences were much more sensual than mine, so I didn't feel that there was any sort of competition between us. For the brief time that she was part of our lives, it allowed Hubby to begin to explore a completely different side of Himself that had nothing to do with me or OUR dynamic.


Hubby also has a bit of a submissive side to Him, as well, so there is also the consideration of Him possibly some day having a Domme. This might be a bit more difficult for me. 

In theory, I would have no problem with Him exploring that side of Himself. Where my problem might arise, would be in whether or not the Domme would be able to accept being Hubby's "beta" relationship, with me being "Alpha" even though I am submissive and she Dominant. So long as that didn't become an issue, I believe that things would work out just fine.

Ultimately, so long as our marriage relationship and our family remains the most important priority in HIS, as well as MY, life... then any and all other issues could be worked through with respect and open and honest communication.