Evolution of my Submission

Evolution of my submission

June 22, 2011

First , It has been quite sometime since I've posted a journal entry. The end of the school year, and summertime craziness has caused my ability to post to be a bit erratic. I will post as often as possible, but I cannot promise it will be regularly, at least, not until school starts up again and we get settled back into a regular routine.

Prompt: How has your submission/slavery grown or evolved since you first entered this lifestyle?

When I look back 4 and a half years ago, and I see how David and I began, I see so much that has changed in our lives, but it was a gradual change, so gradual, in fact, that I didn't even notice most of it happening.

When we first discovered this lifestyle we had only, in the year or two previous, come out of the most difficult times in our years together. We had, figuratively speaking, been to hell and back during the course of our marriage. We had lived so many years nearly hating each other. For so long we couldn't go more than a week without arguing, and fighting with each other. Our children had never really known a time when Daddy and Momma weren't in the midst of a nasty fight. I had even taken our son and left for a month in order to give David some time to decide what He wanted out of our relationship, and when we returned, not only did I discover that I was pregnant, but I also learned on that same day that while I was gone, David had cheated on me and also on that same day He told me that he wanted a divorce.

The next 8 months were the absolute worst months we had ever lived through, dealing with such anger and hurt and betrayal and being pregnant all at the same time. Dealing with toxemia, early contractions beginning at 6 months, and the looming risk of premature labor. It was an extremely tumultuous time for our family and our marriage.

So it was nothing short of miraculous when, after our daughter was born, life began to actually calm down and David and I began to slowly rebuild our friendship and our marriage. We began to learn how to really communicate with each other without turning everything into a power struggle.

I can still remember looking at the calendar one day and realizing we hadn't had a fight in over a month... and then we made it 6 months... and then it was a year with no serious arguments, just minor disagreements.

It was just amazing how much calmer and more pleasant our lives had become. We had actually become best friends again, if not passionate lovers. And we had found contentment in our friendship.

So when the time came when David had to transfer from doing pick up and delivery at his job to temporarily driving OTR for a short while to avoid being laid off for the second year in a row, we were apprehensive about what it would do to our marriage. We were concerned about whether or not our marriage could handle us being separated for 5 days out of every week, but it was a better option than the alternative.

It was during His time driving OTR that I discovered this lifestyle and it was a serious turning point for both of us. It was this lifestyle that began to teach us how to become passionate lovers once more.

We started out exploring BDSM as a bedroom, playtime thing. It gave us new creative ideas for adding a bit more spice to our sexual relationship. It gave us a reason to begin learning more about each others sexual nature. Up until that point we thought we knew all we could know about each other sexually, we thought we had done all there was to do sexually. Sex had become routine, if not regular. If we had sex more than once every month or two we thought it was amazing.

But when we discovered BDSM, it flipped a switch somewhere deep down inside of me. We instantly went from having sex once every month or so to almost daily.

We finally discovered what it was that had been at the very core of all our deepest issues for so many years. Our sex life had been missing something, and for years we couldn't figure out what it was. NOW, we finally knew. It had never been David's issue. Like most men, He was absolutely thrilled with sex as it was, except He wanted it more than I was willing to give it to Him.

But once I figured out WHY I didn't enjoy it as much as I once had, suddenly we were like new lover's again. We couldn't get enough of each other.

So anyway, we entered this lifestyle, with an excitement previously unknown to us, and it was purely sexual. Once we stepped back through that bedroom door, we were back to our normal contented selves, being friends and focusing on paying bills, raising our young'uns, and dealing with the daily grind.

We were perfectly happy and content with that for a long time, though I was occasionally telling David that I wanted to take this lifestyle further.

We began exploring the Swing Lifestyle to supplement BDSM, and eventually decided to open our marriage up a bit. We occasionally invited a friend to join us and discovered that it made our exploration of BDSM even more fun, even though the fun we had with others was more vanilla than spice, but it fit in to OUR BDSM dynamic in a different way, because even though the sex was generally vanilla, it gave me the opportunity to submit to and please David in ways that had I previously found distasteful and repulsive, but in light of our new lifestyle, it was quite erotic and rather enjoyable.

Then we began to meet other people within the BDSM community and through those new friends we learned what a modern dungeon was and discovered yet another side to this lifestyle. We could take it “out of the bedroom” while keeping it purely sexual at the same time. We found that we could explore my exhibitionistic and masochistic streak without involving the general public. So, we began attending community functions on a fairly regular basis.

Then, finances became a bit tighter, and other issues arose with outside family members becoming ill, but we continued to maintain our bedroom dynamic. Then last year my Mother died, and after a 3 and a half week visit home to see her one last time and helping my Father deal with final arrangements for her and whatnot, I came back home to my Husband and family with the realization that while our bedroom dynamic had been amazing since entering this lifestyle, it was simply no longer enough for me.

I needed more. I needed to live it. I needed it to become a part of our daily life, outside of the bedroom. So within a month after my Momma's passing, I asked David if we could go 24/7.

We have still be taking things very slowly, but I can definitely see how in the past year, I am so much closer to my Husband.

I don't make any decisions any longer without consulting Him first, or at least taking into consideration what He would wish for me to do. He has absolute authority over our home and family, and I have somewhere along the way, become His sex slave, but then again, that was kind of inevitable, I just never really recognized that it was happening, I just sorta looked back one day and thought, “I'll be damned! How about that?”

Our lives are so much fuller and so much calmer now. The level of stress that we used to have in our home, our family, our marriage, is nearly nonexistent. There is still our struggle with maintaining our finances, but I don't see that so much as a stressor, as it is just normal everyday life in middle class America.