What is my Fetish?

JOURNAL TOPIC: If you had to condense and define what it is that draws you into this lifestyle down to a single fetish, what would it be and why?


I have spent some time recently trying to figure out precisely how I would define my sexual desires, or needs. In other words, exactly what is it that excites me...
There are so many things that I enjoy doing, or having done to me, so many things that thrill me. 
 
Bondage, knife play, needle play, spanking, flogging, whips, canes, humiliation, exhibition, voyeurism, blindfolds, gags, fear, pain, I could go on and on.

I can't really consider any of them to be fetishes. 
 
A Fetish is defined as:

Formally: a non-sexual object whose presence is REQUIRED for sexual arousal or climax;

Informally: anything not generally considered sexual, which arouses a person.

None of those things, in and of themselves are REQUIRED for me to become sexually aroused or to bring me to climax. They are nothing more than tools used to support or compliment my actual underlying fetish.

Being submissive, also can not be considered my fetish either...

Keeping in mind that a fetish, by definition, is ALWAYS connected to the sexual nature, it is then logical to conclude that simply being submissive in everyday life is not necessarily to be considered a fetish, unless the act of being submissive, in and of itself, is absolutely required for a person to be capable of achieving sexual arousal and/or climax.

In general, however, being submissive speaks more to a person's character or personal nature, that which defines who he or she is as a person, rather than to their more primitive sexual nature. 
 
I have a submissive personality, which expresses itself not only in sexual ways, but also in many non-sexual ways, and therefore, while it is undoubtedly connected to my sexual nature, it is not synonymous with it, thus submissiveness in and of itself, is not my fetish.

So, therein lies the question... WHAT IS MY FETISH?

When you look at the numerous different things listed above that excite me two things stand out more than the others. Two of those words, when I see them, say them, or hear them, create within me, a consuming need.

Bondage, and Humiliation.

Just the thought of experiencing either of these two things, whether individually, or Heaven help me, BOTH at the same time, sends waves of emotion and excitement rippling through me.

So what do these two things say about my sexual nature, and how do they work to help me to define my fetish?

Humiliation leaves me feeling vulnerable and helpless. It incites within me a desire to run and/or hide.

Bondage, removes from me whatever ability I might otherwise have to control or have a direct effect upon what is happening around me, or to me. It intensifies those feelings of vulnerability and helplessness, because it completely prevents me from being able to run or hide to begin with, and forces me to fully experience that vulnerability, and embrace it. Bondage forces me to accept that I have no choice, but to accept it and allow it to envelope me, to consume me, and it is in being consumed by it that I am able to freely give myself over to it.

Ultimately, my fetish is the experience of vulnerability that comes from the forced removal of choice or control.

Switching Roles?

JOURNAL TOPIC: Have you ever thought about switching roles? If so, what would you like to try doing or having done to you?



I'm sitting here attempting to imagine myself as a Domme or Mistress, and try as I may, it is simply not something that I can easily visualize. I know that I have dominant traits. I know that I am a bit of a control freak. I know that I am one whom has been described as having an intimidating personality at times. And yet, even knowing all of this to be true, I still cannot envision myself living a lifestyle, being Dominant over another person. I am submissive, I am most happy and content when I am serving other people. That is just whom and what I was meant to be.


This topic was Sir's idea. It's a difficult one for me to tackle because for the most part switching doesn't really interest me very much. I really have no desire to be dominant over Sir, though occasionally topping Him during play time can be enjoyable, when I am feeling more sensual, rather than “rough and ready”. But it would be strictly bedroom play, I absolutely could never be dominant over Him outside of the bedroom.


He enjoys switching roles in the bedroom, but He tends to be much more of a sensual person, and enjoys the more light to moderate type of play, such as tickling and teasing, He really enjoys a soft massaging touch when bottoming.


It is difficult sometimes for me to be the sensual top He wants me to be. I am excited and turned on by unnecessary roughness, to put it nicely. The thought of CBT (cock & ball torture) is something that really thrills and excites me, but it's something I could never do with Sir. Even the mere thought of causing Him pain or discomfort twists me up in knots and leaves me feeling rather ill. Perhaps that is because I know it's not something He enjoys, or perhaps it's because I prefer to see Him as Strong and Dominating, over me. But regardless of the reasoning behind it... I simply could never do that with Him.

I suppose if I were to meet the right person, I could switch from submissive/masochist to top/sadist. But it would have to be a man that actually enjoys receiving some serious CBT.


As far as other women... I've never really given it much thought. I am simply NOT a dominant type personality over all, but I do have some rather strong sadistic tendencies (being a masochist, I honestly believe that that is somewhat necessary) and I can think of numerous ways I could put those tendencies to work. But then again, I could easily serve as a play bottom to just about anyone, male or female, so long as either Sir or I trusted them.

Goals for the New Year

January 11, 2011
Journal Prompt:
List 5 goals would you like to accomplish within your relationship dynamic this year.
My Husband and I entered this lifestyle 4 years ago with no clear ideas or plans as to where we wanted to go with it.The only knowledge we had of it was from the information I had gleaned online over a period of 4-5 days while Hubby was working, driving OTR.

All I knew for certain was that I had discovered a part of myself that I had worked hard to deny and hide from my entire life, and that I could not hide from that part of myself any longer, and that the first step I needed to take to stop hiding was to share that part of me with my Husband. It was one of the most frightening things I ever had to do. I was terrified that I would scare Him away.
The only real goal I had then, was to explore as as much as was possible and try as many new things as we could. My Husband, however, had a very different idea. He wanted to take things as slowly as possible.
He had discovered that there was something that excited me and had awakened my sexual nature in a way that he had never seen before, and he was afraid that if we moved too quickly, that I would burn myself out on it, and we would end up right back where we had been for most of our marriage.
It was incredibly frustrating at times, but Hubby had been right. By taking things slowly, I learned so much more about myself and about what sorts of things I really enjoyed and what sort of things were far different than I had imagined.
After nearly 3½ years of exploring, I knew, without a doubt that this lifestyle was what I truly wanted, what I needed to feel like the person I was meant to be. I could say with confidence that I could never go back to living the vanilla life that I had trapped myself in for so much of my life.
I knew that I needed us to take things to the next level in this lifestyle. Up to that point, we had only lived it in the bedroom. We had only played the game of bedroom fun.
Then 9 months ago, I asked my Husband if we could begin taking steps to move our dynamic outside of the bedroom. He was unsure at first, but I told Him that I really felt as though it was something I needed to do. He agreed, but decided that we would again, begin slowly, test the waters if you will, make certain that it would be something that would work well for both of us.
But in all of the past 4 years there has been no really clear goals aside from simple exploration, testing and learning our limits.
Therefore, I have never really taken the time to really sit down and think about setting real, solid goals for myself within this lifestyle, within our dynamic, within my role as a lifestyle submissive wife.
So now, the challenge for myself, is to really think about and consider what I really want, what I really NEED from living this lifestyle 24/7.
I think my overall goal to to eventually have an M/s dynamic, but I don't see that happening right away.
I think for now... for this year:

• I need to work on being less bratty, though that will never completely go away, as that is also part of who I am... and it keeps things interesting at times, but there are times when I could probably control it better.
  
• I would like to learn to control my physical responses better. There are times when my body automatically responds to the mere thought of certain “unfavorable” types of touch or stimulation. I have a tendency to block Hubby sometimes, and try as I may, I find it difficult to control those responses, or should I say reflexes.
  
• I want to be able to figure out a workable routine this year, as well. Something that will help me to keep our home decent and somewhat organized. I am not the most organized person when it comes to our home and so, there are times when I feel overwhelmed, so really my goal would be to keep things better organized and caught up, so as to avoid becoming so overwhelmed.
  
• I want to work on being even more aware of Hubby and attentive to Him when he's at home, and I would like to be more anticipatory (is that a word?) of His needs.
  
• I also want to work on, not only keeping our finances straight and bills paid on time, but this year I really want to be able to begin putting some money away into savings.... AND LEAVING IT THERE.
  

Discretion around Family

Journal Prompt:

Dealing with Family - How do you maintain your dynamic when you are around family members whom are unaware of your lifestyle? 

For example, if you are expected to ask permission to do certain things, how would you seek that permission without being obvious about it?

No one in either Hubby's or my family know anything about our lifestyle, so it's important for us to be as discreet as possible.

Most of the time, it's as simple as merely being respectful toward each other and not arguing with Him or correcting statements or details of stories that He's telling. Showing Him a little extra consideration, like asking Him if He would like something to eat or drink if I'm up and getting something something for myself.

times it takes a bit more thought. For example, I am trying to stop smoking, and am required to ask permission to have a cigarette.

When we are around family, there are numerous ways I will seek his permission so that people don't catch on to any particular pattern of behavior. I sometimes will play with my cigarette case or tap on it and wait for Him to make eye contact and lightly nod His head.

Sometimes I'll text Him to ask, then wait a few minutes so no one makes a connection between a text and me lighting up. I will also occasionally mention that I'm thinking about stepping outside for a smoke and ask Hubby if He would like to join me, at which point He'll either join me or tell me to go ahead without Him.

It took some getting used to at first, but it's pretty much become second nature to us now... It has definitely caused us to become much more in tune with each other and we pay a lot more attention to each other now.

Sister sub?

Prompt: How would you feel if your Dom/Master had another sub/slave? Would you be jealous? How would you handle it? Has it ever happened or been considered? 

This is something we have discussed and tried, briefly, in the past. It didn't work out, but it had nothing to do with jealousy on my part. My "sister sub" had a few life circumstances that she needed to work through, that had nothing to do with us. 

There was no animosity between she and I, whatsoever, in fact, we still talk at times. However, they didn't remain in their dynamic for very long, so I cannot say for certain if I would eventually have developed feelings of jealousy or not.


I have no doubt that the probability exists,that I might have experienced brief moments of jealousy, had their dynamic have become something more permanent, and I would like to believe, and am quite certain, that I would feel secure enough in our marriage to recognize my momentary feelings as irrational and trust in my Husband's love for me and for our family, regardless. Plus, she is also married and thus, her dynamic with Hubby was also HER secondary or "beta" relationship.


Their dynamic was opposite of ours in that she was not in the slightest masochistic, but instead, her preferences were much more sensual than mine, so I didn't feel that there was any sort of competition between us. For the brief time that she was part of our lives, it allowed Hubby to begin to explore a completely different side of Himself that had nothing to do with me or OUR dynamic.


Hubby also has a bit of a submissive side to Him, as well, so there is also the consideration of Him possibly some day having a Domme. This might be a bit more difficult for me. 

In theory, I would have no problem with Him exploring that side of Himself. Where my problem might arise, would be in whether or not the Domme would be able to accept being Hubby's "beta" relationship, with me being "Alpha" even though I am submissive and she Dominant. So long as that didn't become an issue, I believe that things would work out just fine.

Ultimately, so long as our marriage relationship and our family remains the most important priority in HIS, as well as MY, life... then any and all other issues could be worked through with respect and open and honest communication.

Building Trust and Intimacy

Prompt: Building Trust and Intimacy - In what ways do you continuously build upon the trust and intimacy within your relationship... both IN and OUT of the bedroom?

My Husdom and I share a great deal of trust, and for me, trust equals intimacy. We have been together for a very long time ,and we've been through so much over the years, and our trust is stronger now that it has ever been in the past. It is amazing how the trust we share between us continues to grow and flourish.
 
There are different kinds of trust, different levels of trust.


I trust my Husdom, with my life.... and while that may seem like something BIG, it really isn't. We all trust complete strangers with our lives each and every day. Just getting into our vehicle and driving somewhere, we MUST trust every other driver on the road, to some degree. We have to trust that the majority of them are going to be alert and conscious of their surroundings. We have to trust that they will have fast reflexes and a keen eye, and IF, God forbid, something serious DOES happen, we must trust that SOMEBODY will be willing to stop and render aid to us if we are unable to take care of ourselves.

Trusting a person with our lives.... that's easy to do. It's a nobrainer for most.

But there are much deeper levels of trust, and the deeper our level of trust in a person the more evident our vulnerabilities become to that person, and to ourselves.

We all have something about ourselves that we keep tucked away... hidden... from the rest of the world, and the deeper we allow any one person into our lives, the closer that secret, dare I say sacred, part of ourselves rises to the surface.

It can be a terrifying thing to place our trust in another human being. To open ourselves up and allow another person to enter into our lives, our own personal little bubble, it's frightening.

If we are wise, we choose very carefully, those person's whom are truly deserving of that honor.

It is impossible to be a part of this lifestyle without developing, and nurturing a very deep level of trust in SOMEONE.

We choose a person that proves him/herself worthy of that trust.

I was blessed to have been married for many years to the person in whom I must place my trust. But getting there wasn't easy.

It took me a long time to grant Him that depth, that level of trust.

Communication... 

Communication is the key, not only to the development, but also to the nurturing, of a real, true, honest, and DEEP level of trust.

As a submissive wife, I need to be able to trust my Dominant Husband to care, not only for my life... but also for my heart and for my soul. I need to be able to lay it all out, for Him to see. My hopes, my dreams, my joys, my fears, my anger and sadness... as someone once said... "Warts and all." 

I need to be able to to take a leap of faith and trust Him with the nastinest, ugliest, freakiest parts of myself. And the only way to do that is through communication.

It wasn't until I took that leap of faith and gave over to Him that depth of my trust that I was able to believe and trust in the depth of His love for me. If HE could look at those horrid parts of me... those parts that even I was once afraid to acknowledge... and embrace them, and find the beauty in them, then what else could there be for me to hide?


As a masochist, I have to be able to communicate with my Sadistic Partner... to tell Him everything I am feeling be it physically, emotionally, or psychologically... whether good, bad, or indifferent. 

I then must trust that my Sadistic Partner will listen to me and take me where I desire to go through the experience of painful stimulation, again... whether it be physical, mental, or even psychological... without causing permanent damage to my body, my mind, or my soul.

Communication... That is the only key.

You cannot learn to trust... you cannot nurture that trust... you cannot grow and evolve that honest, sincere depth of trust without communication.

Without the key of communication, you cannot have that trust... and without that degree, that depth of trust... you cannot have TRUE intimacy.

Each of these three things... communication, trust, and intimacy... are wholly dependent upon each of other two, to grow and evolve... and they must continually do so or they will stagnate and eventually whither away and die.

His Expectations...

I have not added a entry in a while, and so a couple friends and I have decided to help motivate each other by giving each other certain prompts or topic ideas for new entries.


The current prompt is: Part 1: "What do you do to show you're submissive?" (Such as wearing a collar or certain piece of jewelry or other personal symbols.)

There are many different ways that people show outward indications that they are in a committed relationship. For example, when in high school, a boy may give his girlfriend his class ring to wear, or buy her a special necklace, or let her wear his Letterman's jacket, etc...

People buy each other friendship bracelets, promise rings, engagement rings, wedding bands... These are all recognizable symbols of the love and commitment people share with another person.

In this lifestyle we also have special items that are symbolic of our commitment... some people get special tattoos or they wear special types of jewelry as well... for example... Some people wear a collar, or special bracelets or anklets to show that they belong to another person.

There are also other less conventional things they will do. For instance... I do not currently wear a collar, though I am hoping we will soon be able to purchase one for me to wear... but I do have both of my nipples pierced, as well as a vch piercing, and one other symbol that I have yet to tell anyone else about because it is slightly less common. I allowed Hubby to literally carve a set of letters into my back side. While I'll not share with you what those letters are, I will say this... they mark me as his property... PERMANENTLY.  

Part 2: Write about you're rules and punishments and how you feel about those. How do you and you're S/O fell when they are followed or broken?

As for rules and discipline... we do not have any thing written out, but there are certain expectations He has of me. He expects me to maintain our home, it doesn't have to be completely spotless... but He does expect it to be organized and kept clean.

I am not allowed to touch Him with my hands (There is a bit of a story that goes with that rule). I may touch Him in any other way, with any other part of my body, except my hands... unless I have His permission first.

I am not allowed to smoke a cigarette without first asking His permission. I asked specifically for this rule because I made a promise to my Mom before she died that I would stop smoking entirely by a certain date, and so, at my request, Hubby has taken control over when I am allowed to smoke and how much, so that I will be able to completely cut back and eventually quit by the promised date
My body belongs to Him and He may take it and use it in anyway He see fit to use it, anytime He desires to do so.

For over 4 years, our BDSM dynamic was only enjoyed in the bedroom, but 6 months ago I asked Him if we could take it outside of the bedroom and begin living it 24/7 and He agreed. So while we have been in this lifestyle for nearly 5 years, we are relatively new to the 24/7 aspect, and thus we have not yet developed a full set of rules and expectations. We pretty much make it up as we go along. We try something out for a period of time... test the waters, so to speak, and if it works, it becomes permanent. If it doesn't, we drop it.

As for discipline/consequences for disobedience/disrespect... there is really nothing set in stone... He determines how to discipline me according to the infraction.

One example of His creative thinking... I forgot, one time, to get His work clothes washed, and as a result I was made to wear pj's to sleep in. I am not comfortable wearing any type of clothing to bed, so for me, this was actually quite harsh. Since then I have not made that same mistake, Hubby ALWAYS has clean clothes to wear to work.