Abuse

April 18, 2011

Abuse - Define abuse and relate it to this lifestyle. Whether physical, psychological, or emotional, how does abuse differ from lifestyle recreation and discipline? Is it possible for a submissive/slave to become abusive toward her Dominant/Master? In what ways?

First I want to apologize for taking so long to post a new entry, I have been dealing with a few medical issues which have prevented me from being able to focus my mind long enough to do so, as a result I have fallen a several weeks behind and have some catching up to do. Please bear with me and I will get my posts completed.

That said, this is a topic I feel passionately about, not because I have experienced it, but because I have many friends whom have, in one way or another, been abused in and out of the lifestyle and sometimes because of the nature of this lifestyle, that line can become blurred. It is my desire to help make that line more clear.

Merriam-Webster Online defines abuse as:

1: a corrupt practice or custom

2: improper or excessive use or treatment : misuse <drug abuse>

3: obsolete : a deceitful act : deception

4: language that condemns or vilifies usually unjustly, intemperately, and angrily

5: physical maltreatment

Examples of ABUSE

1. He subjected his wife to physical and emotional abuse.
2. the buying of votes and other election abuses
3. She was subjected to every term of abuse her boss could think of.
4. a torrent of verbal abuse
5. The prisoner hurled abuse at the judge.
   

The issue of abuse within this lifestyle must be clearly defined because that line can be very fine.

In the vanilla world, when you see a person whom is extremely controlling and who monitors his/her partners every action, we call it emotional abuse, but in the lifestyle, it may be something that two people have agreed upon and are very happy with.

In the vanilla world, if we have a friend whom is consistently covered in bruises, often in places that are easily covered and hidden, we can become appalled and fearful for our friend's life. We likely would do everything within our power to convince our friend to remove him/herself from that situation, whereas in this lifestyle, we may often rejoice with a person at the bruises they have allowed themselves to accumulate, as a result of “playtime”.

There are several different types of abuse that can occur within a relationship.

• Physical: slapping, pushing, hitting, kicking, biting, etc. 
• Emotional: name-calling, putting down, insults, etc.Sexual: being forced into sexual contact
• Threats: "If you...I'll kill you!"
• Intimidation: gestures, looks, smashing things
• Isolation: being kept from seeing or talking to others, not allowed to go out.
• Economic: being given an allowance, not allowed to have a job, etc.

Depending upon the dynamic, all of these types of abuse are subjective, meaning that just because they occur within a D/s dynamic, it doesn't necessarily reflect actual abuse.

So... how do we make this line much more clear?

How do we know when that line has been crossed from consensual behavior/play to abuse?

We need to consider the person's state of mind... their emotional well being.

Are they afraid of their partner? Is it fear that motivates them to be obedient to their dominant partner or do they truly enjoy serving Him or Her?

Is the person a strong, self-aware, self confident person, or do they have a tendency to hide themselves within their dominant partners identity?

Do they answer your questions about their lives with their dominant partner directly or do they have a tendency to avoid those questions and quickly change the subject or make excuses, explanations for why their partner behaves as he/she does?

Are they generally happy and content with their lives or do they complain a lot about feeling neglected?

Are they often angry with their partner, but refuse to confront him/her or make excuses as to why they can't really talk to him/her?

Does the person behave differently, become a different person entirely, when their partner is present?

These are much better indicators of abuse both in and out of the lifestyle. If you pay close attention to these things, it will be much easier to determine whether or not abuse is a factor within someones relationship.