I am not one who likes to place labels on myself, because I am, simply, me, but I suppose if I had to choose a label, I would call myself submissive with slave like tendencies.
I have had people ask me about this life style. I have been asked why I choose to be submissive. I have even had people ask me why I would want to live my life as a "doormat" and why would I allow my husband to "walk all over me". Why do I allow him to hit me? Why do I allow him to abuse me? Do I not think more highly of myself than that?
It seems so many people truly have no idea what this lifestyle is all about. Just as homosexuality (used generically here to describe all aspects of same gendered sexual preferences), has always been misunderstood, so has this lifestyle.
In recent years, science has discovered DNA evidence that homosexuality goes beyond what is commonly thought to be nothing more than a choice perversion. There is now DNA evidence that homosexuality is influenced less by environmental factors and conscious choice, and more by a person's genetic make-up.
In other words... homosexuality is much less a lifestyle "choice", and more a genetic determination of nature.
I mention this because I honestly believe that a person's preference toward "KINK" is also genetically determined. Though I have no scientific evidence to support this belief... I, nonetheless, believe it to be true.
I can remember from a VERY young age "pretending", quite regularly, to be kidnapped and tied up. From before I had any knowledge of what sex was let alone knowledge of how sex worked, I would regularly "pretend" to be a victim of "bad men" in this way.
I can even remember tying my hands and or feet together at night before I would go to sleep at night. I remember how safe and secure it made me feel.
I need to stop at this point and stress that I was not abused by my parents in any way. My parents were incredibly loving and infinitely supportive. There was nothing that I could not talk to my parents about if and when I felt the need to do so.
So, why is it then, that a child, growing up in the 70's, still so young and so innocent that she didn't even know what sex was, let alone have any knowledge of "kink" would find so much enjoyment and security in this type of fantasy. My answer...genetic predisposition.
I truly believe that I was born with this inside of me. I am submissive by nature. I didn't "choose" to have these types of fantasies when I was 3 y/o.
Yes... you read that correctly. I was 3 y/o when my earliest memories of this type of fantasy first appeared. As I grew older and my knowledge increased about sex and the like, so evolved my fantasies, but the core theme has never changed...
Kink is every bit, as much a part of me, a part of my identity, who I am as a person, as is my red hair, hazel eyes, and freckles.
We refer to it as a lifestyle, I believe, because it is easier for people to understand and relate to it as a choice than it is to believe that we could possibly be genetically predisposed toward "kink". Just as homosexuality, for a very long time was looked at as a "lifestyle choice" and, in fact, still is to some.
So, what does my submission mean to me?
It means that there is something inside me that is predisposed toward serving other people. There is a part of me that gleans great pleasure from knowing that I have been able to do something to make another person happy, some aspect of their life easier. It gives me a great sense of purpose.
In day to day life, that can translate into my choice of jobs/career. I have always preferred to work within the medical/health industry. It also translates into how I define my role within my marriage and family. I see my husband as the head of the family... the final authority in how our home is run, in important decisions to be made.
It does not, however, mean that I am nothing more than a second class "citizen" within our family. I am still an equal partner with my husband. I do not sit down and wait for his word to become "law".
I am an extremely confident person. I am an incredibly strong woman. I am very outspoken and have been told by many that I come off as aggressive, controlling, and even intimidating, not exactly the qualities most people would expect to find in someone whom defines herself as "submissive".
I share an equal role in setting the rules in our home. I share an equal role in how our children are raised. I share equal input into making important decisions. My knowledge and experience and wisdom is extremely valued and treasured by my husband. But when there are times in which my husband and I simply cannot agree on certain decisions, I choose to yield to him.
That explains how my submission relates to our marriage and family relationship in general day to day living... but... how does it relate to my sexual NATURE?
That is where my fantasies and kinky predisposition come in to play.
I have always imagined myself somewhere along the lines of the "Damsel in Distress".
Abducted, tied up, blindfolded, vulnerable, ravished, and humiliated. These are words that can really get my blood boiling. The thought of being bound, or restrained in some way, unable to run or escape and being forced to do things that I might not otherwise, willingly do, and the vulnerability and potential humiliation involved... I cannot begin to describe just how much it thrills and excites me.
Some people find having sex in a public place and the risk of being caught to be exciting. For me, it's less the risk of being caught, and more the exhilaration of knowing, or at least believing, that I am being watched and knowing I cannot run or escape. There is something delicious in the knowledge that I am somehow trapped with multiple sets of eyes upon me, watching as I am being flogged or spanked or otherwise humiliated.
Then, take that to the next level in which not only have I been flogged, whipped, caned, and/or paddled in front of other people... but when it's finished... to walk away from it with bruises or other marks that will take several days to fade away, so that every time I see them in a mirror, or feel them when I sit down or lean back or lie down in bed, I am reminded of those moments of being restrained in some way, completely vulnerable, unable to protect myself, and humiliated. I am able to continue to relive, in my mind, the deliciousness of that scene.
I am submissive in my daily life.
In the bedroom, I am many things. I am submissive. I am a damsel in distress, I am a masochist. I am a slave. Ultimately, I am his property to be used for his purpose and pleasure, and in return, I know I that I am wanted, needed, and desired by the man of my dreams. The man of my fantasies. Fantasies I have had for as long as I can remember.
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