I share this because...

It is my goal, in sharing, that I can help others to understand, at least to SOME degree, that "KINK" is really no different, in essence than any other "choice perversion" (speaking of course, tongue in cheek).

 

I didn't wake up one day and decide that I couldn't live without being tied up, spanked, paddled, and flogged.

I have dreamed, and imagined, and fantasized about it my entire life... it truly is an essential part of who I am... whom I have always been and have become.

I could not wake up tomorrow and decide to no longer BE submissive... it is not a choice... 

It IS me... I AM it... I am not "A" submissive.... it is not a Title, like a secretary, that I wear proudly... 

I AM submissive... it is something that must be accepted, understood, and embraced by myself... it is ingrained within my very nature... it is part of my very soul.

Defining my submission

I am not one who likes to place labels on myself, because I am, simply, me, but I suppose if I had to choose a label, I would call myself submissive with slave like tendencies.

I have had people ask me about this life style. I have been asked why I choose to be submissive. I have even had people ask me why I would want to live my life as a "doormat" and why would I allow my husband to "walk all over me". Why do I allow him to hit me? Why do I allow him to abuse me? Do I not think more highly of myself than that?

It seems so many people truly have no idea what this lifestyle is all about. Just as homosexuality (used generically here to describe all aspects of same gendered sexual preferences), has always been misunderstood, so has this lifestyle.

In recent years, science has discovered DNA evidence that homosexuality goes beyond what is commonly thought to be nothing more than a choice perversion. There is now DNA evidence that homosexuality is influenced less by environmental factors and conscious choice, and more by a person's genetic make-up.

In other words... homosexuality is much less a lifestyle "choice", and more a genetic determination of nature.

I mention this because I honestly believe that a person's preference toward "KINK" is also genetically determined. Though I have no scientific evidence to support this belief... I, nonetheless, believe it to be true.

I can remember from a VERY young age "pretending", quite regularly, to be kidnapped and tied up. From before I had any knowledge of what sex was let alone knowledge of how sex worked, I would regularly "pretend" to be a victim of "bad men" in this way.

I can even remember tying my hands and or feet together at night before I would go to sleep at night. I remember how safe and secure it made me feel.

I need to stop at this point and stress that I was not abused by my parents in any way. My parents were incredibly loving and infinitely supportive. There was nothing that I could not talk to my parents about if and when I felt the need to do so.

So, why is it then, that a child, growing up in the 70's, still so young and so innocent that she didn't even know what sex was, let alone have any knowledge of "kink" would find so much enjoyment and security in this type of fantasy. My answer...genetic predisposition.

I truly believe that I was born with this inside of me. I am submissive by nature. I didn't "choose" to have these types of fantasies when I was 3 y/o.

Yes... you read that correctly. I was 3 y/o when my earliest memories of this type of fantasy first appeared. As I grew older and my knowledge increased about sex and the like, so evolved my fantasies, but the core theme has never changed...

Kink is every bit, as much a part of me, a part of my identity, who I am as a person, as is my red hair, hazel eyes, and freckles.

We refer to it as a lifestyle, I believe, because it is easier for people to understand and relate to it as a choice than it is to believe that we could possibly be genetically predisposed toward "kink". Just as homosexuality, for a very long time was looked at as a "lifestyle choice" and, in fact, still is to some.

So, what does my submission mean to me?

It means that there is something inside me that is predisposed toward serving other people. There is a part of me that gleans great pleasure from knowing that I have been able to do something to make another person happy, some aspect of their life easier. It gives me a great sense of purpose.

In day to day life, that can translate into my choice of jobs/career. I have always preferred to work within the medical/health industry. It also translates into how I define my role within my marriage and family. I see my husband as the head of the family... the final authority in how our home is run, in important decisions to be made.

It does not, however, mean that I am nothing more than a second class "citizen" within our family. I am still an equal partner with my husband. I do not sit down and wait for his word to become "law".

I am an extremely confident person. I am an incredibly strong woman. I am very outspoken and have been told by many that I come off as aggressive, controlling, and even intimidating, not exactly the qualities most people would expect to find in someone whom defines herself as "submissive".

I share an equal role in setting the rules in our home. I share an equal role in how our children are raised. I share equal input into making important decisions. My knowledge and experience and wisdom is extremely valued and treasured by my husband. But when there are times in which my husband and I simply cannot agree on certain decisions, I choose to yield to him.

That explains how my submission relates to our marriage and family relationship in general day to day living... but... how does it relate to my sexual NATURE?

That is where my fantasies and kinky predisposition come in to play.

I have always imagined myself somewhere along the lines of the "Damsel in Distress".

Abducted, tied up, blindfolded, vulnerable, ravished, and humiliated. These are words that can really get my blood boiling. The thought of being bound, or restrained in some way, unable to run or escape and being forced to do things that I might not otherwise, willingly do, and the vulnerability and potential humiliation involved... I cannot begin to describe just how much it thrills and excites me.

Some people find having sex in a public place and the risk of being caught to be exciting. For me, it's less the risk of being caught, and more the exhilaration of knowing, or at least believing, that I am being watched and knowing I cannot run or escape. There is something delicious in the knowledge that I am somehow trapped with multiple sets of eyes upon me, watching as I am being flogged or spanked or otherwise humiliated.

Then, take that to the next level in which not only have I been flogged, whipped, caned, and/or paddled in front of other people... but when it's finished... to walk away from it with bruises or other marks that will take several days to fade away, so that every time I see them in a mirror, or feel them when I sit down or lean back or lie down in bed, I am reminded of those moments of being restrained in some way, completely vulnerable, unable to protect myself, and humiliated. I am able to continue to relive, in my mind, the deliciousness of that scene.

I am submissive in my daily life.

In the bedroom, I am many things. I am submissive. I am a damsel in distress, I am a masochist. I am a slave. Ultimately, I am his property to be used for his purpose and pleasure, and in return, I know I that I am wanted, needed, and desired by the man of my dreams. The man of my fantasies. Fantasies I have had for as long as I can remember.

My marriage

It's difficult sometimes telling about how Hubby & I got to where we are now.

We have been through so much together, sometimes it just seems impossible that we are even still together, let alone still deeply in love.

We have been married for over 16 years now, together for over 18. He is my first husband, and I, his first wife. We have never been divorced, but almost 9 years ago we were there. We were actually considering the possibility of divorcing each other and going our separate ways.

See, it all started before we even married.

We were both in the Navy when we first met. He was stationed on a Carrier and deploying for anywhere from a week to 6 months at a time, but when he was in port we loved being together. We didn't just find the time... we made it.

We were best friends. He came and spent the evening with me when my closest friend was in labor, and waited with me for hours until her baby was born. When I was working night duty, he would drive the thirty minutes from his base to mine just to get my uniform washed, dried, and pressed, while I slept days, so I would look sharp when I went to work.

Hell, the first time we kissed each other... he actually ASKED me for permission.

We became engaged about 5 months after we met. When he was deployed for 6 months to the Mediterranean Sea (We called it a Med Cruise) I wrote him almost daily... and sometimes 2 -3 times a day. He wrote back at least once a week. He even took the time to order and send me flowers on Valentine's Day... AT WORK.

About 2 weeks after he returned from his Med Cruise, I learned from him and one of my best friends that they has slept together... since he had returned. I was beyond hurt. But, I chose to forgive him.

About a year later, we were married, and about a year and a half after that Hubby transferred off his ship and was sent to Recruiter school down in Florida.

The Navy will pay for Spouses to move to a permanent duty station, but not temporary, so while he was in Florida, I stayed with Hubby's parents for a few months. After Florida, we transferred to Meridian, MS. And about 9-10 months later he was forced out of the Navy due to weight issues.

After he was discharged, we moved to Alabama for nearly a year. A couple months after moving to Alabama, I learned that, while he had been in Pensacola, he had cheated on me again.

We had been married LESS than a year at the time... and it had been almost a year since he cheated on me THAT time... Once more I chose to forgive him... because, well, for one, I still deeply loved him... two, HE came to me and told me the truth... and three, our marriage, at the time he confessed, was only in it's second year, and I didn't want US to become just another divorce statistic, soooo I chose to forgive him, but forgetting wasn't quite as easy this time.

Nonetheless, just a few short weeks after his confession, and my forgiveness... I learned, on Christmas Eve, I was pregnant with our first child.

Fast forward a few years... Our marriage was becoming VERY rocky. He had gotten physical with me one time, and I promised to leave, WITH our son, if he ever put his hands on me in anger again. Never mind that I had actually forced his anger to that point, myself.

About a year later, out marriage was just one argument after another. It was a daily thing and had been for months.

One day we got into a MAJOR fight, and I pushed him past that point of control again, and, with our 4 y/o son, in my arms, he hit me.

It wasn't a punch, it was both hands open, and he shoved my backward into a wall, then stood over me with nothing but anger and hatred spewing from his eyes. I was actually terrified. I had seen him angry, but I had NEVER seen hatred in his eyes before. Not toward me, anyway, and it terrified me.

I shoved past him, immediately got on the phone and called a friend. Told her I needed to come stay with her for a while and why, and that I needed her to come get me RIGHT then.

As soon as I hung up, I called my parents in Vegas. Told them that I needed to come home and why. While I was talking to them, my friend showed up... came in, told me she was going to take our son to McDonald's for a bit so Hubby & I could talk.

Apparently Hubby had stopped her outside and asked her if she would do that, and she agreed.

So... with son out of the house, Hubby & I talked. We talked for like 2-3 hours. I told him I couldn't live with all the anger anymore. It wasn't goo for ME... it wasn't good for US... and most importantly, it wasn't good for our SON.

He begged me to stay and not go home. I was firm... told him, "NO", that I could not and WOULD not raise our son in that environment anymore. We decided that we would just take a short break. I would go home to visit my parents WITH our son, for a month, then come back and go from there. I KNEW what I wanted from our relationship, but he didn't, so that time would be for HIM to figure things out.

I flew home a week later, and two weeks after that..... I missed my period. I had always been they type that would skip periods when I was stressed, so I didn't panic at the time. I decided to wait until I came back to Texas to test.

A couple days after I came back to Texas, my friend, asked me if Hubby & I had had the chance to talk. I told her no, that we hadn't even had time alone sine I had come back, but there was something in her voice that told me something just wasn't quite right, so I cornered her and she told me to give it a week and if we hadn't had time to talk yet then to come talk to her.

My heart sank. I KNEW... but I had to HEAR it. I insisted she tell me what was wrong and she finally gave in and told me that while I was gone... Hubby had cheated on me. I told her that I thought I might be pregnant, but that I would have to wait until payday to find out for sure.

Later that day, I was babysitting for her and her husband while they went in to town to do some Christmas shopping. As they were pulling out of their driveway, her house phone rang and I answered. It was her phone calling, but apparently they didn't know that it had "randomly" dialed her house phone.

I tried to call out loudly to get their attention so she wouldn't run her battery down. Suddenly I heard her and her husband arguing about whether or not they "should tell me the truth" about my husband. I didn't catch the entire convo... but it was enough to confirm the truth that he had definitely cheated on me. This was the third time and I....... I was just stunned.

When she and her husband came home she tossed me a box with an HPT in it and told me to go pee.

I took the test and before I even had the chance to set it down on a flat surface... it popped positive. Friend kept our son for the night so Hubby & I could have our little "talk".

When Hubby came home... I don't even remember where he had been all day long that day... we sat and talked. I asked him if he had decided what he wanted from our marriage and he told ME that he had decided he wanted a divorce.

I took a deep breath... reached down into my purse... pulled out the positive HPT and handed it to him. I told him, "If you want a divorce... fine... but you'll have to ask me again in about 8 months." Yup, that's how I announced the conception of our daughter.

His reaction...... "How do I even know it's MINE?"

No lie... I was floored... after what I had just learned about HIM that very same day.... to have him accuse me of the same... he didn't yet know what I KNEW.

I just looked at him, jaw on the floor, my head slowly shaking back and forth, and said, "Oh ho,ho,ho... That's RICH." He looked at me completely unaware of what I was about to throw back in his face, and when I did..... he denied it all.

I was beyond furious. I don't even remember the rest of that evening, the words spoken, if we yelled and screamed or kept it calm and civil... all I remember is seeing red and feeling like the earth had just completely crumbled underneath me. I was falling into an abyss and didn't know if I would ever find my way out again.

On New Year's Eve that year, we got into a REALLY big fight just before he had to go to work. He worked nights, 2 hours away. I prayed to God for help. I felt my marriage, that I STILL wanted... inspite of his infidelity and dishonesty, was truly over and I just wanted one sign, just something to show me that there was still hope for us... for our family. It was 11:30 at night.

I prayed for God to give me any one of 3 possible signs.

1. to let Hubby call me from work at midnight to tell me Happy New Year and that he still loved me.
   
2. To let him... within 24 hours... take a particular movie out and play it. That movie had our wedding song in it, and I wanted him to take me by the hand and dance with me when it played in the movie. He hadn't done that in over a year.
   
3. Within 24 hours, for him to put in our wedding video.
   

I didn't care which sign I got, just one of those 3... I wasn't even finished praying yet and someone knocked on my bedroom window... It was 10 minutes to midnight, and Hubby was home early from work. I let him in and we sat together for a few minutes to watch the ball drop in Times Square on TV and Hubby grabbed me, KISSED ME, told me Happy New year, and told me he loved me.

Don't tell me God doesn't exist... he answered my prayer before I prayed it and better than I even imagined.

The next day, I woke up feeling so happy... I had gotten my answer and I knew that there was still real hope for us. I trusted in that. Later that day, I was talking to a friend and while I was talking to her, Hubby called me into the living room. He had taken out THAT movie... FF'd it to the end where our song played, he took me into his arms and danced with me.

God gave me not 1... but 2 of the signs I had asked for.

Somehow, we made it through the next 7 months, we fought and argued almost every single day... but we made it through. Our daughter was born, and he had YET to admit that he had cheated, but it no longer mattered to me. I knew the truth... he KNEW I knew the truth... I knew in time he would admit it and I could give him the forgiveness I was saving for him, which happened about 2-3 months later.

About a year after our daughter was born, we found a house and started the process of buying it, but it was about 5 months before the final paperwork was completed on it and we moved in.

We were still struggling, but things were getting better. About a month before we first found the house, Hubby transferred up to the local terminal and went from being a "spotter" to a full time driver for the company. He worked M-F, on days, and was home EVERY SINGLE NIGHT and all weekend long.

We had begun to put our marriage back together. And I can still remember the first time I looked at a calendar and realized it had been over 6 months since we had had a big argument... over 6 months since we had even raised our voices toward each other.

I knew that even though we still had a few issues to work through, we had essentially healed our marriage. There was still one MAJOR issue though... our sex life.

It still REALLY sucked. When every other issue is resolved but JUST ONE... you can be certain that THAT issue is THE ISSUE that was at the CORE of everything....

My Momma told me on the day I married him, "Remember this... if you remember no other piece of advise I ever give you... REMEMBER THIS... SEX is 10 percent of a marriage... unless and until it becomes a problem... then it becomes 90 percent."

I didn't really understand what she meant at the time, but looking back, I can see how true that statement was. Even after EVERYTHING we had worked through, our sex life was still suffering. It was the one thing we hadn't been able to fix.

I was a frigid bitch.

There was a part of me that I had hidden from Hubby for sooooo long that I had all but killed it. I had taken that part of me and locked her away in a cage and thrown away the key. Well, I thought I had.

About 3 years after moving into our house, Hubby was facing being temporarily laid off from work for the second time in a year. He was given the option of going OTR for a few months until local business picked up again, so he took it.

We were really scared, because of when he was working nights and I was essentially raising our son alone, at the time, we THOUGHT that had been the core of our problems to begin with.

Well, we knew it would be temporary and it was better than him being laid off and losing out home, so he agreed. He would leave out on a Monday night, and be gone until Saturday morning.

I had just a few months earlier, discovered Message boarding. I was on an adult discussion board and had come across the question, "Who is into BDSM?" I had no idea what that was, but I did know what S&M was, so I kinda went from there.

I typed BDSM into Google and suddenly a whole new world opened up to me. The first link I followed took me to the site that I credit with saving and fully healing my marriage.

That was on a Tuesday morning... I read through EVERY SINGLE word on that site... I followed EVERY LINK and read every thing on each and every page it took me to. It literally took me that whole week to read and absorb it all,and when Hubby came home that Saturday.... our poor children suffered from neglect the entire weekend.

He walked through the door and I attacked him and I locked us in our bedroom the entire weekend. We came out only long enough to get something to eat and drink and disappeared again.

Hubby asked me what the hell had gotten into me. He said, "I was only gone for four days, did you REALLY miss me THAT much."

Apparently, when you go for years having sex 4-6 times a year and then suddenly you have it no less than 8 times in less than 24 hours, it tends to get your husband's attention... obviously something had changed, and so I showed him what I had found.

That was just over 3 ½ years ago, and we have never looked back.

I am no longer that frigid bitch. I no longer have anything that I am afraid to tell him. I introduced him the that little circus freak inside of me and he embraced her as though his very breath depended upon her never going away.

I had hidden her away from him, for fear that she would scare him away, but he embraced her, and she never has to hide again. Well, not from him anyway. And really, that all that matters.

Allow me to introduce myself

Hello, I am Sybil (Crimsonia's Circus Freak...LOL) You might consider me to be her Alter Ego, and perhaps a degree of accuracy may be found within that label, but really... I am the person she was never allowed to be, the person she always wanted to be, the person, whom for years, she was always afraid to be... I am the part of her that truly keeps her sane.

She kept me caged up and hidden away for so long that I almost disappeared entirely, but all that changed a few years ago.

She discovered, that without me.... he life was dull, routine, un-extraordinary... and while she had been graced with many incredibly amazing blessings in that life... she had lost her ability for be grateful for them.

I am the one whom has taught her that it is not difficult... nor is it wrong... nor is it sinful... to be different... to find her inner beauty... to be sexy... to be naughty... to be pleasing to her husband.. to allow him to be the man God intended for him to be. It only requires surrender...