What is my Fetish?

JOURNAL TOPIC: If you had to condense and define what it is that draws you into this lifestyle down to a single fetish, what would it be and why?


I have spent some time recently trying to figure out precisely how I would define my sexual desires, or needs. In other words, exactly what is it that excites me...
There are so many things that I enjoy doing, or having done to me, so many things that thrill me. 
 
Bondage, knife play, needle play, spanking, flogging, whips, canes, humiliation, exhibition, voyeurism, blindfolds, gags, fear, pain, I could go on and on.

I can't really consider any of them to be fetishes. 
 
A Fetish is defined as:

Formally: a non-sexual object whose presence is REQUIRED for sexual arousal or climax;

Informally: anything not generally considered sexual, which arouses a person.

None of those things, in and of themselves are REQUIRED for me to become sexually aroused or to bring me to climax. They are nothing more than tools used to support or compliment my actual underlying fetish.

Being submissive, also can not be considered my fetish either...

Keeping in mind that a fetish, by definition, is ALWAYS connected to the sexual nature, it is then logical to conclude that simply being submissive in everyday life is not necessarily to be considered a fetish, unless the act of being submissive, in and of itself, is absolutely required for a person to be capable of achieving sexual arousal and/or climax.

In general, however, being submissive speaks more to a person's character or personal nature, that which defines who he or she is as a person, rather than to their more primitive sexual nature. 
 
I have a submissive personality, which expresses itself not only in sexual ways, but also in many non-sexual ways, and therefore, while it is undoubtedly connected to my sexual nature, it is not synonymous with it, thus submissiveness in and of itself, is not my fetish.

So, therein lies the question... WHAT IS MY FETISH?

When you look at the numerous different things listed above that excite me two things stand out more than the others. Two of those words, when I see them, say them, or hear them, create within me, a consuming need.

Bondage, and Humiliation.

Just the thought of experiencing either of these two things, whether individually, or Heaven help me, BOTH at the same time, sends waves of emotion and excitement rippling through me.

So what do these two things say about my sexual nature, and how do they work to help me to define my fetish?

Humiliation leaves me feeling vulnerable and helpless. It incites within me a desire to run and/or hide.

Bondage, removes from me whatever ability I might otherwise have to control or have a direct effect upon what is happening around me, or to me. It intensifies those feelings of vulnerability and helplessness, because it completely prevents me from being able to run or hide to begin with, and forces me to fully experience that vulnerability, and embrace it. Bondage forces me to accept that I have no choice, but to accept it and allow it to envelope me, to consume me, and it is in being consumed by it that I am able to freely give myself over to it.

Ultimately, my fetish is the experience of vulnerability that comes from the forced removal of choice or control.

Switching Roles?

JOURNAL TOPIC: Have you ever thought about switching roles? If so, what would you like to try doing or having done to you?



I'm sitting here attempting to imagine myself as a Domme or Mistress, and try as I may, it is simply not something that I can easily visualize. I know that I have dominant traits. I know that I am a bit of a control freak. I know that I am one whom has been described as having an intimidating personality at times. And yet, even knowing all of this to be true, I still cannot envision myself living a lifestyle, being Dominant over another person. I am submissive, I am most happy and content when I am serving other people. That is just whom and what I was meant to be.


This topic was Sir's idea. It's a difficult one for me to tackle because for the most part switching doesn't really interest me very much. I really have no desire to be dominant over Sir, though occasionally topping Him during play time can be enjoyable, when I am feeling more sensual, rather than “rough and ready”. But it would be strictly bedroom play, I absolutely could never be dominant over Him outside of the bedroom.


He enjoys switching roles in the bedroom, but He tends to be much more of a sensual person, and enjoys the more light to moderate type of play, such as tickling and teasing, He really enjoys a soft massaging touch when bottoming.


It is difficult sometimes for me to be the sensual top He wants me to be. I am excited and turned on by unnecessary roughness, to put it nicely. The thought of CBT (cock & ball torture) is something that really thrills and excites me, but it's something I could never do with Sir. Even the mere thought of causing Him pain or discomfort twists me up in knots and leaves me feeling rather ill. Perhaps that is because I know it's not something He enjoys, or perhaps it's because I prefer to see Him as Strong and Dominating, over me. But regardless of the reasoning behind it... I simply could never do that with Him.

I suppose if I were to meet the right person, I could switch from submissive/masochist to top/sadist. But it would have to be a man that actually enjoys receiving some serious CBT.


As far as other women... I've never really given it much thought. I am simply NOT a dominant type personality over all, but I do have some rather strong sadistic tendencies (being a masochist, I honestly believe that that is somewhat necessary) and I can think of numerous ways I could put those tendencies to work. But then again, I could easily serve as a play bottom to just about anyone, male or female, so long as either Sir or I trusted them.

Goals for the New Year

January 11, 2011
Journal Prompt:
List 5 goals would you like to accomplish within your relationship dynamic this year.
My Husband and I entered this lifestyle 4 years ago with no clear ideas or plans as to where we wanted to go with it.The only knowledge we had of it was from the information I had gleaned online over a period of 4-5 days while Hubby was working, driving OTR.

All I knew for certain was that I had discovered a part of myself that I had worked hard to deny and hide from my entire life, and that I could not hide from that part of myself any longer, and that the first step I needed to take to stop hiding was to share that part of me with my Husband. It was one of the most frightening things I ever had to do. I was terrified that I would scare Him away.
The only real goal I had then, was to explore as as much as was possible and try as many new things as we could. My Husband, however, had a very different idea. He wanted to take things as slowly as possible.
He had discovered that there was something that excited me and had awakened my sexual nature in a way that he had never seen before, and he was afraid that if we moved too quickly, that I would burn myself out on it, and we would end up right back where we had been for most of our marriage.
It was incredibly frustrating at times, but Hubby had been right. By taking things slowly, I learned so much more about myself and about what sorts of things I really enjoyed and what sort of things were far different than I had imagined.
After nearly 3½ years of exploring, I knew, without a doubt that this lifestyle was what I truly wanted, what I needed to feel like the person I was meant to be. I could say with confidence that I could never go back to living the vanilla life that I had trapped myself in for so much of my life.
I knew that I needed us to take things to the next level in this lifestyle. Up to that point, we had only lived it in the bedroom. We had only played the game of bedroom fun.
Then 9 months ago, I asked my Husband if we could begin taking steps to move our dynamic outside of the bedroom. He was unsure at first, but I told Him that I really felt as though it was something I needed to do. He agreed, but decided that we would again, begin slowly, test the waters if you will, make certain that it would be something that would work well for both of us.
But in all of the past 4 years there has been no really clear goals aside from simple exploration, testing and learning our limits.
Therefore, I have never really taken the time to really sit down and think about setting real, solid goals for myself within this lifestyle, within our dynamic, within my role as a lifestyle submissive wife.
So now, the challenge for myself, is to really think about and consider what I really want, what I really NEED from living this lifestyle 24/7.
I think my overall goal to to eventually have an M/s dynamic, but I don't see that happening right away.
I think for now... for this year:

• I need to work on being less bratty, though that will never completely go away, as that is also part of who I am... and it keeps things interesting at times, but there are times when I could probably control it better.
  
• I would like to learn to control my physical responses better. There are times when my body automatically responds to the mere thought of certain “unfavorable” types of touch or stimulation. I have a tendency to block Hubby sometimes, and try as I may, I find it difficult to control those responses, or should I say reflexes.
  
• I want to be able to figure out a workable routine this year, as well. Something that will help me to keep our home decent and somewhat organized. I am not the most organized person when it comes to our home and so, there are times when I feel overwhelmed, so really my goal would be to keep things better organized and caught up, so as to avoid becoming so overwhelmed.
  
• I want to work on being even more aware of Hubby and attentive to Him when he's at home, and I would like to be more anticipatory (is that a word?) of His needs.
  
• I also want to work on, not only keeping our finances straight and bills paid on time, but this year I really want to be able to begin putting some money away into savings.... AND LEAVING IT THERE.