Evolution of my Submission

Evolution of my submission

June 22, 2011

First , It has been quite sometime since I've posted a journal entry. The end of the school year, and summertime craziness has caused my ability to post to be a bit erratic. I will post as often as possible, but I cannot promise it will be regularly, at least, not until school starts up again and we get settled back into a regular routine.

Prompt: How has your submission/slavery grown or evolved since you first entered this lifestyle?

When I look back 4 and a half years ago, and I see how David and I began, I see so much that has changed in our lives, but it was a gradual change, so gradual, in fact, that I didn't even notice most of it happening.

When we first discovered this lifestyle we had only, in the year or two previous, come out of the most difficult times in our years together. We had, figuratively speaking, been to hell and back during the course of our marriage. We had lived so many years nearly hating each other. For so long we couldn't go more than a week without arguing, and fighting with each other. Our children had never really known a time when Daddy and Momma weren't in the midst of a nasty fight. I had even taken our son and left for a month in order to give David some time to decide what He wanted out of our relationship, and when we returned, not only did I discover that I was pregnant, but I also learned on that same day that while I was gone, David had cheated on me and also on that same day He told me that he wanted a divorce.

The next 8 months were the absolute worst months we had ever lived through, dealing with such anger and hurt and betrayal and being pregnant all at the same time. Dealing with toxemia, early contractions beginning at 6 months, and the looming risk of premature labor. It was an extremely tumultuous time for our family and our marriage.

So it was nothing short of miraculous when, after our daughter was born, life began to actually calm down and David and I began to slowly rebuild our friendship and our marriage. We began to learn how to really communicate with each other without turning everything into a power struggle.

I can still remember looking at the calendar one day and realizing we hadn't had a fight in over a month... and then we made it 6 months... and then it was a year with no serious arguments, just minor disagreements.

It was just amazing how much calmer and more pleasant our lives had become. We had actually become best friends again, if not passionate lovers. And we had found contentment in our friendship.

So when the time came when David had to transfer from doing pick up and delivery at his job to temporarily driving OTR for a short while to avoid being laid off for the second year in a row, we were apprehensive about what it would do to our marriage. We were concerned about whether or not our marriage could handle us being separated for 5 days out of every week, but it was a better option than the alternative.

It was during His time driving OTR that I discovered this lifestyle and it was a serious turning point for both of us. It was this lifestyle that began to teach us how to become passionate lovers once more.

We started out exploring BDSM as a bedroom, playtime thing. It gave us new creative ideas for adding a bit more spice to our sexual relationship. It gave us a reason to begin learning more about each others sexual nature. Up until that point we thought we knew all we could know about each other sexually, we thought we had done all there was to do sexually. Sex had become routine, if not regular. If we had sex more than once every month or two we thought it was amazing.

But when we discovered BDSM, it flipped a switch somewhere deep down inside of me. We instantly went from having sex once every month or so to almost daily.

We finally discovered what it was that had been at the very core of all our deepest issues for so many years. Our sex life had been missing something, and for years we couldn't figure out what it was. NOW, we finally knew. It had never been David's issue. Like most men, He was absolutely thrilled with sex as it was, except He wanted it more than I was willing to give it to Him.

But once I figured out WHY I didn't enjoy it as much as I once had, suddenly we were like new lover's again. We couldn't get enough of each other.

So anyway, we entered this lifestyle, with an excitement previously unknown to us, and it was purely sexual. Once we stepped back through that bedroom door, we were back to our normal contented selves, being friends and focusing on paying bills, raising our young'uns, and dealing with the daily grind.

We were perfectly happy and content with that for a long time, though I was occasionally telling David that I wanted to take this lifestyle further.

We began exploring the Swing Lifestyle to supplement BDSM, and eventually decided to open our marriage up a bit. We occasionally invited a friend to join us and discovered that it made our exploration of BDSM even more fun, even though the fun we had with others was more vanilla than spice, but it fit in to OUR BDSM dynamic in a different way, because even though the sex was generally vanilla, it gave me the opportunity to submit to and please David in ways that had I previously found distasteful and repulsive, but in light of our new lifestyle, it was quite erotic and rather enjoyable.

Then we began to meet other people within the BDSM community and through those new friends we learned what a modern dungeon was and discovered yet another side to this lifestyle. We could take it “out of the bedroom” while keeping it purely sexual at the same time. We found that we could explore my exhibitionistic and masochistic streak without involving the general public. So, we began attending community functions on a fairly regular basis.

Then, finances became a bit tighter, and other issues arose with outside family members becoming ill, but we continued to maintain our bedroom dynamic. Then last year my Mother died, and after a 3 and a half week visit home to see her one last time and helping my Father deal with final arrangements for her and whatnot, I came back home to my Husband and family with the realization that while our bedroom dynamic had been amazing since entering this lifestyle, it was simply no longer enough for me.

I needed more. I needed to live it. I needed it to become a part of our daily life, outside of the bedroom. So within a month after my Momma's passing, I asked David if we could go 24/7.

We have still be taking things very slowly, but I can definitely see how in the past year, I am so much closer to my Husband.

I don't make any decisions any longer without consulting Him first, or at least taking into consideration what He would wish for me to do. He has absolute authority over our home and family, and I have somewhere along the way, become His sex slave, but then again, that was kind of inevitable, I just never really recognized that it was happening, I just sorta looked back one day and thought, “I'll be damned! How about that?”

Our lives are so much fuller and so much calmer now. The level of stress that we used to have in our home, our family, our marriage, is nearly nonexistent. There is still our struggle with maintaining our finances, but I don't see that so much as a stressor, as it is just normal everyday life in middle class America.

Hard Limits

Hard Limits
April 29, 2011
Limits – Do you have any hard limits? What are they?

I am very quick to say that I have some rather HARD Limits, you know, the obvious ones... I don't do bestiality or play with children, etc...

I have always thought that people who “claim” to have no hard limits were either ignorant or insane... I mean who wouldn't have at least a few limits???

But really... if I sit down and give it some serious thought... I can honestly say that I don't have any hard limits.

When it comes to our marriage... when it comes to our D/s dynamic... I don't set any real limits.

Let me explain... I have been with my Husdom for 19 of my 40 years... we have been married for 17 of those years... and we have been in this lifestyle for nearly 4 and a half of those years.

In all that time, He has NEVER intentionally hurt me. He has never set out to do me real harm. He has proven time and time again that MY safety and well being is always first and foremost in His mind and heart.

I know that while it is His desire to fulfill my fantasies, it is also His desire to keep me safe while doing so.

Since entering this lifestyle, HE has been the one that has been the most restrained and hesitant when it has come to exploring some of the more edgy or risky types of play, for fear of causing me physical and even emotional harm. HE has been the one to set the more rigid limits on what we do and do not try and when we try what we do.

So really, it isn't necessary for me to set limits, because I know that he would never push me beyond what I am physically or emotionally capable of dealing with.

I can sit here and tell people that I would never do this or I would never do that, and they can come back to me and say, “See, those things are your hard limits.”, but I have no need to set those limits with Him, because I already know that HE would never try to take me there to begin with.

I can honestly say that I have enough trust in my Husdom, that I have no need or desire to set hard limits... and honestly... it is incredibly liberating to be able to say that and to mean it.

Health and Medical Issues

April 18, 2011

Health and Medical Issues: When health and medical issues become an obstacle, how do you modify and yet maintain your service to your Dominant partner?

I have recently been dealing with a temporary physical disability. Back around mid-January I suffered an injury that at first was not obvious, but around mid-February, it became much more apparent that I was becoming rather limited in what I was physically capable of doing.

I had fallen off of our front porch, which had become iced over following an ice storm that pushed thru our area., and landed on my back.

As a result, I eventually learned that I had herniated a disc in my neck which was pressing upon the root nerve that traveled down my left arm.

I was dealing with a great deal of pain and a measurable loss of strength in that arm.

I was no longer capable of doing many of the things that I was responsible for within our home, namely the majority of our housework, cooking had become a difficult task... with these things I had to rely on my Husband and children to pick up the slack... and I can't even begin to describe how our sex life was affected.

Over the course of the past 2+ months, I had begun to feel horrible about the fact that it was my Husband and children serving and taking care of me rather than the other way around.

I have said numerous times in the past that one of the most important things we can do as submissives, is to be as aware of our own health as we are for that of our families... by maintaining our own health we are better able to serve them.

When I have been sick, it was easy enough for me to take a couple days to rest my body in order for it to have the energy to fight off whatever illness might be affecting me... but when those couple days turned into a couple weeks... and those couple weeks became 2+ months, it took a serious toll on my emotional well being.

I began to lose sight of the fact that it was in the best interest of my entire family for me to allow them to care for me and serve me. It simply is not in my nature for me to sit back and be served. In my heart, it made me feel useless and worthless, even though in my mind, I knew better.

1 1/2 weeks ago on April 8^th, I had surgery to repair the herniated disc, and still I have been extremely limited in what I am allowed to do. I have a strict limit on how much weight I may lift. I am not yet allowed to drive a vehicle. Even in the bedroom I am still fairly limited in what I am able to do.

But, I know that I am beginning to do much better. Within 24 hours following my surgery, I had regained approximately 90% of the strength in my left arm, and for the first time in nearly 3 months, I have been able for the past 3 days, to stop taking strong narcotic pain medications and muscle relaxers to be able to cope and function.

My injury could have been much worse... and in spite of the fact that I hated being the one to be served by my family, had I not listened to my doctors, as well as my Husband, I could have caused my injury to deteriorate much more than it did.

As difficult as it has been for me, emotionally, I know that I best served my Husband and family, these past almost 3 months, by allowing them to serve ME, and hopefully very soon, I will be able to step back into the role in which I feel much happier and content, the role that makes me feel useful and gives me a purpose.

Abuse

April 18, 2011

Abuse - Define abuse and relate it to this lifestyle. Whether physical, psychological, or emotional, how does abuse differ from lifestyle recreation and discipline? Is it possible for a submissive/slave to become abusive toward her Dominant/Master? In what ways?

First I want to apologize for taking so long to post a new entry, I have been dealing with a few medical issues which have prevented me from being able to focus my mind long enough to do so, as a result I have fallen a several weeks behind and have some catching up to do. Please bear with me and I will get my posts completed.

That said, this is a topic I feel passionately about, not because I have experienced it, but because I have many friends whom have, in one way or another, been abused in and out of the lifestyle and sometimes because of the nature of this lifestyle, that line can become blurred. It is my desire to help make that line more clear.

Merriam-Webster Online defines abuse as:

1: a corrupt practice or custom

2: improper or excessive use or treatment : misuse <drug abuse>

3: obsolete : a deceitful act : deception

4: language that condemns or vilifies usually unjustly, intemperately, and angrily

5: physical maltreatment

Examples of ABUSE

1. He subjected his wife to physical and emotional abuse.
2. the buying of votes and other election abuses
3. She was subjected to every term of abuse her boss could think of.
4. a torrent of verbal abuse
5. The prisoner hurled abuse at the judge.
   

The issue of abuse within this lifestyle must be clearly defined because that line can be very fine.

In the vanilla world, when you see a person whom is extremely controlling and who monitors his/her partners every action, we call it emotional abuse, but in the lifestyle, it may be something that two people have agreed upon and are very happy with.

In the vanilla world, if we have a friend whom is consistently covered in bruises, often in places that are easily covered and hidden, we can become appalled and fearful for our friend's life. We likely would do everything within our power to convince our friend to remove him/herself from that situation, whereas in this lifestyle, we may often rejoice with a person at the bruises they have allowed themselves to accumulate, as a result of “playtime”.

There are several different types of abuse that can occur within a relationship.

• Physical: slapping, pushing, hitting, kicking, biting, etc. 
• Emotional: name-calling, putting down, insults, etc.Sexual: being forced into sexual contact
• Threats: "If you...I'll kill you!"
• Intimidation: gestures, looks, smashing things
• Isolation: being kept from seeing or talking to others, not allowed to go out.
• Economic: being given an allowance, not allowed to have a job, etc.

Depending upon the dynamic, all of these types of abuse are subjective, meaning that just because they occur within a D/s dynamic, it doesn't necessarily reflect actual abuse.

So... how do we make this line much more clear?

How do we know when that line has been crossed from consensual behavior/play to abuse?

We need to consider the person's state of mind... their emotional well being.

Are they afraid of their partner? Is it fear that motivates them to be obedient to their dominant partner or do they truly enjoy serving Him or Her?

Is the person a strong, self-aware, self confident person, or do they have a tendency to hide themselves within their dominant partners identity?

Do they answer your questions about their lives with their dominant partner directly or do they have a tendency to avoid those questions and quickly change the subject or make excuses, explanations for why their partner behaves as he/she does?

Are they generally happy and content with their lives or do they complain a lot about feeling neglected?

Are they often angry with their partner, but refuse to confront him/her or make excuses as to why they can't really talk to him/her?

Does the person behave differently, become a different person entirely, when their partner is present?

These are much better indicators of abuse both in and out of the lifestyle. If you pay close attention to these things, it will be much easier to determine whether or not abuse is a factor within someones relationship.

Obedience

Obedience - Define obedience. What motivates you to obey your Dom/Master?

Merriam-Webster Online defines “obedience" as:

1. a : an act or instance of obeying

          b : the quality or state of being obedient

2. : a sphere of jurisdiction; especially : an ecclesiastical or sometimes secular dominion

It also defines “obey” as:

1. : to follow the commands or guidance of
2. : to conform to or comply with <obey an order> <falling objects obey the laws of physics>

In this lifestyle, whether submissive or slave, obedience is an important skill to have.

Yes, I called obedience a skill. The reason for that is because it is something we must learn. Obedience is not something that comes naturally. In a very real sense, it is the evidence of true submission. There are times when, no matter how much we may desire to obey, there are simply issues that may prevent us from being able to do so.

The issues are as numerous and as varied as those person's whom live this lifestyle, but it boils down to either psychological and physical issues.

Physical is fairly simple to explain, and much easier to work around. It simply means that there is a physical reason that prevents us from obeying a particular command. A person might be temporarily sick (i.e. has the flu), or have some sort of physical (i.e. broken arm) or medical (i.e. Fibromyalgia) ailment that limits our capabilities whether temporarily or permanently.

Psychological is not quite as simple. Perhaps there are trust issues. Perhaps the task at hand triggers memories of past abuses. Perhaps we simply do not “FEEL” like obeying on a particular day. Perhaps there are other hidden issues that have yet to be explored or confronted.

Whatever the psychological issue, learning obedience is always a bit of a “work in progress.” It does become easier with time and with practice, but there are still times when it's a struggle.

That said... for me obedience is quite often a serious struggle. I'm not talking as much about the sexual side of this lifestyle, as I am the 24/7 aspect, outside of the bedroom.

In the bedroom, obedience is less of an option. If I choose to not obey, Sir will simply make me obey and it also makes the time in the bedroom much more enjoyable for me to be forcibly made to obey. It is among my greatest turn-ons to be physically restrained and/or otherwise forced to do something that I otherwise do not wish to do.

Obedience outside of the bedroom is far more difficult. It is not that I do not desire to obey, I do... it's that I am lazy. Yes, I have a serious character flaw... I am L-A-Z-Y.

I know this to be true. It is something I have dealt with my entire life and it is NOT something that is easily overcome. This is something in which I need consistent help from Sir to overcome.

When the task at hand is something that I deem unpleasant, I need Him to be firm with me. I need Him to set clear, consistent goals for me to accomplish and clear and consistent consequences when those goals have not been accomplished without acceptable justification.

For me, the ability to be able to look back at an accomplishment, no matter how good that may feel, is simply not a strong enough motivation to be consistently obedient. It is however a nice bonus!

A greater motivation is knowing that my accomplishment will be pleasing to Sir.

To have Sir come home in the evenings and look around to see that the house has been cleaned or laundry completed or to know that I have made certain that our bills have been paid and kept up to date, or whatever the particular task may have been on that particular day, and to hear His acknowledgment of it and to know that He is pleased that I did as he asked or expected of me, THAT is what truly motivates me.

My willingness to do as He has asked of me, makes Him feel loved and respected by myself and our children. To be able to make Him feel that way is perhaps my strongest motivational factor of all.

Communication

JOURNAL TOPIC: In what ways do you communicate with your Sir/Master, your needs and emotions?

There are so many different forms of communication both verbal and non-verbal and sometimes we may think that we are communicating one thing, and yet the person we are communicating with will often glean a different message entirely.

Sir and I used to have such difficulty with this issue that we very nearly ended our marriage because of it. I learned several years ago that men and women often speak two very different languages. Not different like English and Japanese, but rather emotional languages.

You've probably seen the “He says : She hears... She says : He hears” jokes, and we all tend to laugh about them, but the simple fact is... in many cases they are so very true. So how do we learn to communicate with our partners in a way that is clear and unmistakable when it is most important.

First we need to understand the differences in the way we think and the way we feel things. Men and women are very different creatures. So often I hear women say things like, “I'm no different, no less capable of doing ________, (Fill in the blank) just because I don't have a penis.”

Yet, the truth is, we are different, and the things we are capable of doing are different, and yes it is because we don't have a penis. Well, more specifically, it's because our bodies are very different biologically, and they are different for a very good reason. Our bodies are meant to do very different things. Our hormones cause us to feel our emotions differently, and our emotions cause us to think very differently.

It has nothing to do with egotistical or misogynistic reasoning. It has to do with the way we were created, the biological differences between men and women. (I am a Christian, so yes I do speak in terms of creator and created... but there is scientific data to confirm the basic point I am trying to make here.) And keep in mind I am also speaking in very general terms. I am fully aware that not all men and women fit 100% within a specific biological mold, but most do fit within a general or basic mold. And again, it has to do with biology.

First and most obvious, hormones.

In a nutshell: Male hormones men to have deeper voices, facial and body (including pubic) hair to grow, muscles to grow and develop differently and sex organs to mature. Female hormones cause the hips to widen, breasts to develop, pubic hair to grow and the sex organs to mature. 

 

Male hormones cause men to be capable of fertilizing a woman's eggs in order to produce offspring, whereas female hormones cause a woman to be capable of creating and sustaining said offspring within her body.

Whether you are Christian or not, it is a biological fact that males are designed to be “intimidating” and “hunters” and “protectors” where as women are designed to be “inviting” and “caretakers” and “nurturers”. As such, the way we think, the way we reason, the way we experience and express our emotions are very different. So it stands to reason that the way we communicate will also tend to be very different.

All that in mind, I learned a long time ago that Sir tends to be much more logical and reserved in the way he thinks and communicates than I do. I am incredibly emotional. He makes decisions based upon practicality and rationality, whereas, I tend to make decisions based upon feelings and instinct.

Therefore, we have had to teach each other how to think and connect with how we each are hardwired inside. We've had to learn how to translate our own thoughts and emotions into actions and verbal terms that present a clearer picture for each other to understand based upon our own biological differences.

I can't just tell Sir that I'm stressed out and need some time to deflate, because to Him, that means just what it sounds like. I need personal alone time to clear my thoughts.

When what I mean, in actuality is that maybe I need to vent. I need to just verbally puke out the events of my day so that they are no longer jumbled up inside of me. I'm not asking Him to come up with some sort of workable solution to fix thing or make things better in some way. I'm only asking Him to be a sounding board. To acknowledge the validity of what I'm feeling without judging me or telling me how to fix it. I just want... need... to be heard. Nothing more.

OR maybe it means that I need for Him to break out the flogger and use it on me so that my BODY can release the stress in a more physical way so that I can feel more relaxed and be available and attentive to Him and our children.

But, if I don't communicate the logic of my emotions in a way that He can understand, then we end up angry and resenting each other because I feel ignored and set aside and he feels helpless to protect me from whatever it is that has caused me to become stressed by figuring out a solution to fix it.

He cannot just come home and throw His keys across the room and not speak for an hour or so because someone said or did something at work that angered Him, because I sense and see His anger and silence and feel it directed at me. He needs to at least assuage my emotional concerns by assuring me that He is not upset or angry at me or one of our children for some unknown reason, but rather that he just needs some quiet time to calm down, because so and so at work was a major asshole and pulled a seriously jackass stunt that caused Him to get behind on completing His own tasks and therefore ended up stuck at work an hour or two longer than He should have been, because He had to fix the jackasses screw up.

Communication takes a lot of effort, but when two people put forth that effort, continually, and get it right, the result is a bond and a depth of understanding, trust, and intimacy that is solid and unbreakable.

What is my Fetish?

JOURNAL TOPIC: If you had to condense and define what it is that draws you into this lifestyle down to a single fetish, what would it be and why?


I have spent some time recently trying to figure out precisely how I would define my sexual desires, or needs. In other words, exactly what is it that excites me...
There are so many things that I enjoy doing, or having done to me, so many things that thrill me. 
 
Bondage, knife play, needle play, spanking, flogging, whips, canes, humiliation, exhibition, voyeurism, blindfolds, gags, fear, pain, I could go on and on.

I can't really consider any of them to be fetishes. 
 
A Fetish is defined as:

Formally: a non-sexual object whose presence is REQUIRED for sexual arousal or climax;

Informally: anything not generally considered sexual, which arouses a person.

None of those things, in and of themselves are REQUIRED for me to become sexually aroused or to bring me to climax. They are nothing more than tools used to support or compliment my actual underlying fetish.

Being submissive, also can not be considered my fetish either...

Keeping in mind that a fetish, by definition, is ALWAYS connected to the sexual nature, it is then logical to conclude that simply being submissive in everyday life is not necessarily to be considered a fetish, unless the act of being submissive, in and of itself, is absolutely required for a person to be capable of achieving sexual arousal and/or climax.

In general, however, being submissive speaks more to a person's character or personal nature, that which defines who he or she is as a person, rather than to their more primitive sexual nature. 
 
I have a submissive personality, which expresses itself not only in sexual ways, but also in many non-sexual ways, and therefore, while it is undoubtedly connected to my sexual nature, it is not synonymous with it, thus submissiveness in and of itself, is not my fetish.

So, therein lies the question... WHAT IS MY FETISH?

When you look at the numerous different things listed above that excite me two things stand out more than the others. Two of those words, when I see them, say them, or hear them, create within me, a consuming need.

Bondage, and Humiliation.

Just the thought of experiencing either of these two things, whether individually, or Heaven help me, BOTH at the same time, sends waves of emotion and excitement rippling through me.

So what do these two things say about my sexual nature, and how do they work to help me to define my fetish?

Humiliation leaves me feeling vulnerable and helpless. It incites within me a desire to run and/or hide.

Bondage, removes from me whatever ability I might otherwise have to control or have a direct effect upon what is happening around me, or to me. It intensifies those feelings of vulnerability and helplessness, because it completely prevents me from being able to run or hide to begin with, and forces me to fully experience that vulnerability, and embrace it. Bondage forces me to accept that I have no choice, but to accept it and allow it to envelope me, to consume me, and it is in being consumed by it that I am able to freely give myself over to it.

Ultimately, my fetish is the experience of vulnerability that comes from the forced removal of choice or control.