There are so many different forms of communication both verbal and non-verbal and sometimes we may think that we are communicating one thing, and yet the person we are communicating with will often glean a different message entirely.
Sir and I used to have such difficulty with this issue that we very nearly ended our marriage because of it. I learned several years ago that men and women often speak two very different languages. Not different like English and Japanese, but rather emotional languages.
You've probably seen the “He says : She hears... She says : He hears” jokes, and we all tend to laugh about them, but the simple fact is... in many cases they are so very true. So how do we learn to communicate with our partners in a way that is clear and unmistakable when it is most important.
First we need to understand the differences in the way we think and the way we feel things. Men and women are very different creatures. So often I hear women say things like, “I'm no different, no less capable of doing ________, (Fill in the blank) just because I don't have a penis.”
Yet, the truth is, we are different, and the things we are capable of doing are different, and yes it is because we don't have a penis. Well, more specifically, it's because our bodies are very different biologically, and they are different for a very good reason. Our bodies are meant to do very different things. Our hormones cause us to feel our emotions differently, and our emotions cause us to think very differently.
It has nothing to do with egotistical or misogynistic reasoning. It has to do with the way we were created, the biological differences between men and women. (I am a Christian, so yes I do speak in terms of creator and created... but there is scientific data to confirm the basic point I am trying to make here.) And keep in mind I am also speaking in very general terms. I am fully aware that not all men and women fit 100% within a specific biological mold, but most do fit within a general or basic mold. And again, it has to do with biology.
First and most obvious, hormones.
In a nutshell: Male hormones men to have deeper voices, facial and body (including pubic) hair to grow, muscles to grow and develop differently and sex organs to mature. Female hormones cause the hips to widen, breasts to develop, pubic hair to grow and the sex organs to mature.
Male hormones cause men to be capable of fertilizing a woman's eggs in order to produce offspring, whereas female hormones cause a woman to be capable of creating and sustaining said offspring within her body.
Whether you are Christian or not, it is a biological fact that males are designed to be “intimidating” and “hunters” and “protectors” where as women are designed to be “inviting” and “caretakers” and “nurturers”. As such, the way we think, the way we reason, the way we experience and express our emotions are very different. So it stands to reason that the way we communicate will also tend to be very different.
All that in mind, I learned a long time ago that Sir tends to be much more logical and reserved in the way he thinks and communicates than I do. I am incredibly emotional. He makes decisions based upon practicality and rationality, whereas, I tend to make decisions based upon feelings and instinct.
Therefore, we have had to teach each other how to think and connect with how we each are hardwired inside. We've had to learn how to translate our own thoughts and emotions into actions and verbal terms that present a clearer picture for each other to understand based upon our own biological differences.
I can't just tell Sir that I'm stressed out and need some time to deflate, because to Him, that means just what it sounds like. I need personal alone time to clear my thoughts.
When what I mean, in actuality is that maybe I need to vent. I need to just verbally puke out the events of my day so that they are no longer jumbled up inside of me. I'm not asking Him to come up with some sort of workable solution to fix thing or make things better in some way. I'm only asking Him to be a sounding board. To acknowledge the validity of what I'm feeling without judging me or telling me how to fix it. I just want... need... to be heard. Nothing more.
OR maybe it means that I need for Him to break out the flogger and use it on me so that my BODY can release the stress in a more physical way so that I can feel more relaxed and be available and attentive to Him and our children.
But, if I don't communicate the logic of my emotions in a way that He can understand, then we end up angry and resenting each other because I feel ignored and set aside and he feels helpless to protect me from whatever it is that has caused me to become stressed by figuring out a solution to fix it.
He cannot just come home and throw His keys across the room and not speak for an hour or so because someone said or did something at work that angered Him, because I sense and see His anger and silence and feel it directed at me. He needs to at least assuage my emotional concerns by assuring me that He is not upset or angry at me or one of our children for some unknown reason, but rather that he just needs some quiet time to calm down, because so and so at work was a major asshole and pulled a seriously jackass stunt that caused Him to get behind on completing His own tasks and therefore ended up stuck at work an hour or two longer than He should have been, because He had to fix the jackasses screw up.
Communication takes a lot of effort, but when two people put forth that effort, continually, and get it right, the result is a bond and a depth of understanding, trust, and intimacy that is solid and unbreakable.
